A Personal Account
One Night.
Everything Changed.
What follows is a true account — written by hand, the morning after — of an experience that permanently altered one man's understanding of himself, of reality, and of what we actually are.
The One is the All, the All is the One.
It was late. "I need to just pass out," is what I was wanting. My mind was racing. Scratch that, it was like a hailstorm of thoughts and information. It was too much. "I'm losing my mind. I'm going crazy. Damn, its got to slow down. Ok, calm down, its just the shrooms. You'll be OK."
You see, my girlfriend — now wife — and I had taken 4 grams of magic mushrooms each. That was 5 or 6 hours ago. And we had been "hanging out" since, but a few moments ago — it seemed like hours — my girlfriend being wore out (yeah, I did that), had passed out. So I'm all alone and I was what we call "peaking."
Some of you will say, "But, why was you just peaking when she was able to crash out?" Well, we were dumb and hadn't researched much about shrooms other than what a "fun" recreational dose was — and that info was WRONG. So an hour after eating our doses, my girlfriend was really feeling it and I felt nothing, so I ate another 4 grams. Yes, another 4 grams, so 8 grams in total. Like I said, dumb. 8 grams — that's what Terence McKenna calls a Heroic Dose. I didn't know what I was in for. Terence did.
So there I am, freaking out, losing my mind, can't hold a thought — and the one thought I did catch from time to time was that I was losing my mind and going crazy. This scared me. The idea of being like this forever — holy shit. Then at some point the words, "Quit fighting it," came into my mind. My mind racing — "Just quit fighting it." WTF? That's not me, what is that? Then again. And I was, I was fighting it, with every part of my being. And I was freaking out — scared out of my mind. My mind still racing. I was tired and my mind was being put through the ringer. I even thought, "I think I'm dying."
— "You're not dying."There it was again — a calm, comforting, even loving voice. I couldn't tell you who or what this was, but it made the madness slow to almost nothing which was a great relief. But this voice, as calming as it was, was ripping everything that made me me right out of my soul. "What's happening?"
— "That's not who you are. What you are.""I am. I am John Doe. I am a dad. I have family I love and kids."
— "That's not who you are, you are so much more. Quit fighting it. Let go."And I was still fighting it. I was confused, in the dark, having this calm, comforting voice rip my soul to shreds and I was helpless to do anything about it. And this went on for a long time... hours it seemed. It was the hardest conversation of my life. Painful.
This being one of the most meaningful conversations of my life, you'd think I'd remember more about it, but I don't. It was confusing, manic, emotional, terrifying — and more importantly, found out later — necessary. And it felt like "I" was dying, but it was just my ego.
So I did. I was beat and I couldn't fight it anymore. So I gave up, and the moment I did, everything changed. Now, this part is hard to explain — but I'll try.
I found myself at the center of trillions upon trillions of beautiful rays of light emanating in every direction. And I say "I," but there was no body or knowledge of who "I" was before this experience. Pure awareness is what "I" was now. And in this "place" made of light I was expanding with the light — and it contained the knowledge, no, the complete and utter understanding of everything in the universe. I could think of anything and have a complete understanding of it. No matter what it was, the knowledge of it was just known there.
I understood that everything — every single thing — comes from this one place. I call it Source Consciousness. Some people call it God. That works too. Whatever you call it, it's real, and it's love, and it's what we all are.
And I was taught something. Simple. Four words I'd never heard before that night.